Dear Gun Nuts: Please Stop Violating My Second Amendment Rights

Time for some current events. You guys remember the latest James Bond movie, right? Skyfall? Man, that was a good movie. One thing that I remember fondly from that movie was Bond’s handgun. Nothing too flashy, just a simple gun that would only fire if it recognized that he was carrying it. A smart gun, in other words. You know, the kind of thing that would really make guns, on the whole, safer, more effective, and generally better. Well, apparently, now you can buy one.


…Or rather, you might have been able to if it weren’t for some jumped-up paranoid douchebags. To those people, I ask: why are you trying to abridge my 2nd amendment rights? Cut that shit out.


Okay, some background on this. Andy Raymond, owner of a gun store in Rockville, Maryland, was slated to be the first retailer in the country to sell the new smart gun. The Armatix iP1 is a new type of gun. It will only work if the person wearing it also has a watch which comes with the gun on and active within 10cm of the weapon. This is easily enough if you’re holding it and have the watch on, but not much more. In other words, it’s a gun that’s worthless to home intruders, has no value as stolen property, can’t be picked up by children and used to cause a potentially fatal accident, and generally solves a lot of the problems that guns have. I might buy that gun. Or rather, I might if I could.


You see, the more radical second-amendment-rights activist have a very, very mean conspiracy streak. This makes sense – many of those who hold the view that the second amendment is absolutely sacrosanct believe that it is so because they might need to defend themselves from the government. And so, to them, this gun is just a logical next step in government control. Let me see if I can force myself into the headspace of these people.





Sadly, this doesn’t go quite far enough.


Aw-righty then Jimmy-Bob, you listen up here real close now, cuz this is important. The government is tryin’ to take our guns! Again! See, there’s this here new kind of gun on the market… you need to have a bracelet to fire it! And that makes it safer! Which is bad! The government doesn’t want us to have guns, y’see, so what’s gonna happen is, they’re gonna put these smart guns out, and then when people buy ’em, they’re gonna ban all other guns! And because those damn liberal commie courts have never stopped a law like that, then all it’ll take is for the government to outlaw those wristwatches and suddenly guns will be illegal! And then they’ll start the NWO World Government Takeover!!! So we gotta stop this gun from being sold! It’s the only way to protect our rights!




God, I can feel my brain cells molding. It’s hard to pretend to be that stupid. Yes, yes, I am well aware that there’s a law in New Jersey that would mandate that all handguns sold in the state be smart guns if this went on sale. And if it was just that gun retailers opted out of their conscience to not sell the gun, then I’d be okay with that. It’s their choice, their right. But that’s not what happened. You see, Andy Raymond didn’t decide to stock this gun without thinking about the consequences. He’s a far-right gun advocate. He was well aware of that law, and wanted to stock it anyways, because he felt that this smart gun would expand the market. So… what changed his mind? What caused him to shift his position?


Threats of murder and arson against him, his family, and his dog.


Now, from what I can tell from browsing various forums, most gun rights advocates think this is pretty abhorrent. They think it makes the entire movement look like a bunch of backwater, paranoid, conspiratorial rednecks.


Bang-on characterization, guys, that’s pretty much how you looked to us already.

So good on you for… I dunno, not being the dumbest, most hypocritical motherfuckers on the planet this side of Ted Haggard, I guess. This post is mostly for the rest of you – the gun enthusiasts with such a tenuous grip on reality and rationality that they should not legally be able to own guns on account of clear mental deficiencies. The ones who think that a reasonable response to this is death threats. I hope someone takes away your guns, because you have no business owning anything more dangerous than a rubber mallet. But beyond that… What about my second-amendment rights? I’d like to own a gun for self-protection. I’m just worried about issues like kids getting at it, or it being taken from me and used against me in a fight. This gun is exactly what I’d be looking for (if I still lived in the states, that is). Why are your rights more important than mine? Why do I not have the right to buy this gun? I’m an adult. I’m a US citizen. This gun is not explicitly dangerous to the general public – in fact, it’s considerably less of a danger than other, comparable guns. It’s a handgun that only I can use. In your haste to ensure that your second-amendment rights aren’t threatened by a chain of logic that only makes sense in your demented minds, you’re trampling all over mine. If I’m not allowed to own this gun, why should you be allowed to own your AR-15s?


That New Jersey Law? Technically, it’s already been fulfilled by a store in California. There’s no signs of it becoming active, and it’s almost certainly unconstitutional – it’d be struck down long before its deadline hit. And even then, guess what: if a state makes a stupid, unconstitutional law, you don’t threaten and cajole people into jumping through hoops to make sure the law isn’t applied, you fight the law. Send those death threats to the members of the New Jersey congress who voted for the law. (No, seriously, do it. That way, you might finally stop being a danger to the rest of us rational citizens, because people in jail have trouble getting guns! You do realize that death threats are really, really illegal, right?) Don’t try to force everyone else to kowtow to your insane bullshit just because lobbying and legal challenges are hard. And really – don’t threaten to burn down a gun store. Seriously, anyone actually trying anything like that is just begging for a 50 cal right between the eyes. I kind of wish someone had tried to make good on the threats – in the words of Bill Hicks: “We lost a moron! Whoopie!”


You know who you are.


I’ll just sign off with a quote from Andy Raymond himself.


To me that is so fricking hypocritical. That’s the antithesis of everything that we pro-gun, pro-Second Amendment people should be. You are not supposed to say a gun should be prohibited. Then you are being no different than the anti-gun people who say an AR-15 should be prohibited. This is not Armatix screwing over the people of New Jersey. It’s the legislature screwing over the people of New Jersey. Bushmaster didn’t screw over the people of Newtown. Adam Lanza did. It’s just disgusting to me to see pro-gun people acting like anti-gunners. What is free if it’s not choice?